Things get quite messy now...all over here and there...up and down...err...in short = messy~ i dont really know how to manage 'em...i dont know how to keep and clean 'em...wif my blanky mind...empty eyes...blood-less heart...wat should i do???

I'm really messy inside...really...this life now is getting busy and busier...tough and real tough...i'm just like driving on a road wif port-holes, rocks, drain of water...that's not real difficult road...but...it's just me who cant manage well...so you also know wat...i met rocks...tumble and tumble...

So fast...? nid healing again...?? i didnt really plan it...it was quite-too-fast...i'm like having a test...not SPM or STPM...it's a faith and trust from God...faith and trust-worthy...should i plant that seed?? or i shouldn't...can i trust?? or i shouldn't...tis is my weakness...God is putting me into these kind of test-ES...not one...two...or three...more than wat you know...

I think i cant get it...cant continue 'em...it's healing stop again...really...it's not time to say rubbish...tell everyone wat bad feeling i'm having...scolding those who hurt me...SORRY FRIENDS...i shouldn't say those *wat-the-heck, damn...even fer bull-shit* ...it make you guys feel bad ya...sorry...sorry...just kinda hiding myself through these...

But thanks...fer always lending me your hands...hold and pick me up through these storm...you guys NEVER put me aside alone...NEVER~! that's wat i'm really grateful of...really...sincere from my heart... And also those swims...thanks onn...it really do helps me...relaxing myself...floating or even *flying* there...that free-flow-feel...wow...really comfertable...

I'm getting out from healing stop in no time!! I promise...you guys really motivate me...through your smiles...i love smiles...i really do...*smile smile*...white teeth...haha~~
[25/6/09 1:33am]

am i really too innocent...? too innocent to get cheated...?? *bluh* just get too innocent to be bull-shited by them...??!! hey...come on...being innocent doesn't break the law...it dont hurt someone and should be diklasifikasikan under good-behavior...! but wat-the-heck is going on...seems tat 'innocent' is the most welcomed 'prey' in bull-shit society...

always pointing fingers to others...well...i think it's time to think twice...izzit my problem or those bull-shit's problems...? yeah...gotta admit in front of you guys...i memang...memang...memang...innocent~! so wat?? innocent ma innocent lor...there's nothing wrong...just cant get it...how those bull-shit-society will used this holy-pure-clean-attitude to do those dirty and polluted stuff...?!

searching...finding...looking...fer someone i can really do trust...i noe...there are bunches of girls out there...who really care and love me...i memang appreciate it...don leave me...better than...*wee*...but i also noe that...i gotta find some kind of 'shit'...that's not from 'the bull'...at least few 'shits'...fer me to trust...to prevent hating them...haiz...

so YOU bull-shit...if you're from the bull...stay away from me...!! warn you ya...dont take advantages from innocent girls...they are just who they are...keeping themselves as pure they can...not busuk-and-polluted as YOU...bull-shit...! innocent so wat...that's the way i want...dont regret when YOU mess up wif me...only those 'clean-shits' are welcome...*burst in laughter* i'm actually using shit as a adjective...haha...memang funny...*wakaka*

am i too innocent...?? YEA~!! and tat's the way i want...!

Wat the hack...tat stupid clock ticks so so slow...it's 8pm now...wat's going on...it's late dy...nothing happen...am i too nervous?? alright...i'll wait...3 steps front, 3 steps back...5 steps into the room, 5 steps into the hall...7 steps bla bla bla...it's 10pm dy!! nothing happens...! izzit everything fine...? i'm really worried...those usually isn't usual now...wat's wat's going on...! never mind...do ur hw joanne...ok ok...suddenly...*vibrate*...yeah...pick up...finally...'hmm...hmm...' yeah...finally~

It's 1am midnight...my eyes are still blinking...so energetic...my heart is waiting fer any movement...just the sound of the fan blowing...tick tack tick...2am...NOTHING....oh gosh...i gotta get some heart attack if something just blow up...anything bad happen?? i ask myself...wat's tat...there's no reason 'this' will happen...cool man...cool down...maybe just some fun outside...yea...maybe...get some rest, jo~

'Ring...ring...' my damn noisy alarm...alright..time fer skol again...look at 'it'...no latest info...bluh! go skol larh...dont think so much...i bring it along...cos i'm worried...thank God tat i have not much class tat day...if not my mind and soul wil just get crush...12pm...skol over!! yeah...it's time again...wait wait and wait...it's 3pm now! nothing AGAIN...WAT'S GOING ON!! wanna shout...but erm..my mom's birthday...i cant lost control...damn...control myself...

Night...it's 10pm...24 hours past...speechless...i've those imaginary tat something really really bad happens...i really can imagine...even feel...those frightening-scary-damn 6th sense...i've try...try...many ways...and wait...wait...fer hours and hours...still nothing!! suddenly...*pop*...something pop out...ok...i'll try it...yea...between 10 minutes...*vibrate*...YES! i've make it...really really finally...i noe wat's going on...although not very clear...but at least there's answer...!

Kado kun...i'm waiting~!

At least i didn't get crazy...haha...wat i heard...wat i saw...i rmb ya~ i'm still waiting...at least you are ok...not hurt...not 'damage'...it's 3:30pm now...going to be 48 hours...but i'm not so scare...nervous dy...at least i slept quite well last night...hmm...sitting infront of tis laptop helps me alot...doing some 'childish things'...still a 'lazy bump'...i've charged it full...waiting to let ur feelings overflow again...yea...

Kado kun...i'm waiting~! [3:36pm]

Ranjer here~yo~~

'Yes master...?' Melody~

yea...he is now with a bitch there! i am NOT jeolous about it~just cant stand how flower flower heart he is...haha...within XX days he can say those f****-ing words...CONGRAS! to both of you...memang sepadan...

your mouth can sprinkles those damn words into nice, smell good words...even they taste sweet...like honey...OH...suddenly i rmb tat...you both have the same mouth even...where can i find to 'lovely' couple in this sand-filled-earth?? nope...you both are so so so special...

everyone knows wat tat bitch did...and you are so co-operative...u guys make such damn working team~i cant say you guys as stereotypically portrayed anti-intellectual, superficial or even being flashy...*wah, so bright*...i just describe YOU as gaudy flashy...maybe u seems uncouth these days...bluh...never mind...i dont care and are NOT interested now...! erm...forever...?! yea...

'bye...?' 'nothing can we say already...?' COME ON...use your own brain...if you dont have one...use your kidney...sometimes your word or even your face rile me...yea...so...just fly where you want...it's not my business...wat u gotta do is to inform your 'cutey' bitch...yap! OK-TAT'S OVER!

ermm...maybe all of you will think that i'm out of my mind...maybe like something so-called-something came inside my body...NOPE...nothing happened to me...just throwing out my damn bad feelings out...tis doesn't influced me as a really good-excellent-bravo-english-MUET-teacher's daughter...i am still who am i...just when something bad splash on your head...you can't stand those smelly-dirty-polluted water dripping on your head...I AM STILL WHO I AM...so~ don't get frighten of me...haha~

good day guys...! [11:32pm]

Skol holidays pass fer more than one week...so it's also time to gain weight...AGAIN~since last year long long break...i memang gain almost 5kg...just because of eating...haiz...but i enjoy it...** lame right...bluh~

Ok...so almost every morning in tis holiday...i drive my family fer breakfast...hehe...at least i'm driving now~ so so so...i order '面粉糕' tat sweet morning...memang enjoy larh...those taste...love it dy...hehe~

Then...next nite after de breakfast...we drive to rasah jaya and try to taste the so-call-known 面粉糕...wow...i enjoy it another time...dunno y just like it in a sudden...sweat all around but still enjoying it...hehe~

So so...the very very next morning again...i also drive them to have our lovely breakfast...wakakaka...i order 面粉糕 again again...my parents say tat i am addicted dy~ bo bian ya...like it ma...but tis time is麻辣面粉糕...some kind of板面larh...u guys noe tat i love spicy food wat...just cant forget those delicious taste of it...hehe~

Bwahahaha...tis is my 4th time...but tis time is laksa面粉糕...hehe...nice bo? ENJOY so much...wahaha...i memang in面粉糕fever larh...ate fer 4 days berturut-turut leh...now i think back...feel tat i got lil 'sot' dy...now i dont dare to eat again...scare of it dy...dunno next time is wat food leh...eat eat eat~

For all ur information, i just came back from a camp...my church youth camp in Wesley's Methodist Malacca...it was a great n fun camp...but really tiring...maybe cos of regularly involved in all serving n activities...but i get not much rest after i get back home...unhappy things happen...nvr mind...

It's not i want to tell everyone how bad it's facilities is...just giving out my opinion...kk...the first thing i enter the so-call-dorm...tilam all over...never mind...next, i enter the so-call-hall...o gosh...facilities not fully prepared...look at the drum, i wonder does the drum really works...next next, so-call-canteen...with kindergarten chairs n tables...we look like giants when we sit down...having backache sitting there fer 3 days...toilets n staircase...weird smell spreading every 24 hours...i really really wonder can i survive here fer 3 days...does the Holy Spirit can stand the environment here?? stupid question...BUT...i saw amazing things here within tis 3 days...wonderful and amazing...

The theme of tis camp is 'Encounter with the Holy Spirit'...most of our youth doesn't noe how to speak in tougue...especially those small ones...a big THX to Pastor Kennth Ong...he is a really anointed pastor...God speaks through him these 3 days...fer those little kids...they got tougues and praise the Lord...fer those boys who are self-centred or ego ones change...almost 180 degrees n now my church is full of gentlemen...hehe...>.<

The biggest 'transformation'...i call tat...is when all of us react during p&w...now all of us really respect it and really go into it...really touching scenes when seeing everyone been touch by God...all of us hear wat God wants to tell us...and we really do appreciate it...

Although not much games n rest time fer us...we still get the maximum time to chit-chat...and the best time is during midnite...i slept at 3++am fer 2 nites...dark circles squeezing out...duh...tired man...we also have one private party after our visit in jonker walk...we really go fer makan all over jonker street...having the best food n best drinks...yeah~

After 3 days of non-stop-eating-pedas-food...pimples start coming out and most of us get sick...but we still yell through out the journey back to seremban...bag pack fill with tiredness and also blessing, anointing...i step back home and get some rest...now when i think bak...it's really amazing...in a totally not-good-environment...the youths get the best amongst all the camp we went...maybe some of u think tat it's nothing special...but those who r Christian...u really noes how it feels when the Spirit fall upon u fer exactly 3 days...

Cheers...EFCYF~ Cheers to u...Lord~

Hey yo~I'M BACK~

I promise everyone to be back normal...yup...i'm back wif a big-wide-smile~

Now is 1:08 am, saturday, 6th of june...after almost one month of big 'crush'...now i announce, i'm back normal...just like who am i, wat am i before...sky are still blue, sun still shines...Joanne still smiles...

After my youth camp, i really got touch by Him...he noes my everything...how i go through everything in my life...He holds my hand...and the parang knife is still in His hands...yup...totally anointed...received blessings...i should some how change my plan...change the direction of my compass...get a different map...walk in His way...

I'm 18 now...and i gotta live a different life with His guidance...

Gambateh.....joanne~